Add to Onlywire

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. - Emo Philips

September Horoscope

Add to Onlywire

A laugh is a smile with fireworks

Ah, another good day; my ISP is still working! A laugh is a smile with fireworks! Hookd on fonix reelly workd fer mee! A watchmaker is someone who doesn’t charge extra for working over time. American kids have Nintendo; Japanese children have homework Don’t be pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway. HowCanIBeCreativeWithSuchALimitedAmountOfSpaceToWorkWith? Go to work in your underwear and the dream will go away. Hocus Pocus’ doesn’t work anymore; I think they changed the password. I support Merit Pay and Piece Work for politicians. I’d whistle while I work, but all I know are happy songs. This eFriendship works out b/c I am Gemini and you are ridiculous. Please weight…Spell Checker at work.

September Horoscopes

Add to Onlywire

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?” “Morning Sickness.”

The Tithe

Add to Onlywire

Stolen Vehicle…

The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?

The young rancher answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

Funny Jokes 95

Add to Onlywire

Wackiest Warning Labels Ever

* A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution: Risk of Fire.”

* A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

* “Do not use snow blower on the roof.”

* “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

Aging Jokes Old Man

Add to Onlywire

snappy repartee: What you’d say if you had another chance.

The Wrong Color

Add to Onlywire

Close Shave

Chad went to a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber was foaming him up, Chad mentioned the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

Chad placed the ball in his mouth and received the closest shave he had ever experienced.

After a few strokes, Chad asks in garbled speech “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” replied the barber,”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!”

On Language

Add to Onlywire

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Animals In Heaven

Add to Onlywire

The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished.
- Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)

Fathers Day Jokes
Skim Milk

Add to Onlywire

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
- Ellen Glascow

At The Playground
Funny T Shirt Sayings Funny Sayings For T Shirts